Our neighbors up north have historically, except during the Stanley Cup playoffs, been preternaturally quiet and fairly easy to ignore. More recently, after getting whacked by Jack Hughes and the U.S. in Olympic hockey, those crazy Canucks have been quieter than a grateful MAID recipient.
It seems, however, that their new Prime Minister, Mark Carney, both a staunch globalist (boo!) and a banker by trade (hiss!), was born without a sense of humor.
While recalibrating U.S.-Canada trade, President Trump not only threw out trade deficit and tariff numbers that should infuriate any Americans paying attention, but also landed a couple of hilarious barbs that got PM Carney’s mukluks in a bunch.
Like the toy dog he is, the humorless Carney immediately set about making threats, professing his love for China and the European Union, as any good globalist would, and promising that the U.S. would rue the day it decided to mess with the Great White But Multicultural North.
The petite and effete Canadian prime minister has now upped the ante, telling the perpetually lying N.Y. Times that he’s seriously prepared military scenarios to deal with the “extreme tail risk” that L’homme Orange C’est Mal might invade Canada, and, who knows, maybe bomb their maple syrup refineries?
Hold the phone, hoser, I thought. What in the name of Mark Messier is an “extreme tail risk”? To me, an extreme tail risk was that girl with suspiciously wide shoulders and narrow hips making eyes at me as the bar was about to close. But I realized that PM Carney probably never closed a bar, nor would he probably mind taking home any one of the 87 or 88 genders he and his lib buddies recognize, celebrate, and promote.
Severe tail risks aside, I’ve done my own assessment of how Canada might defend itself from those ugly MAGA thugs down south.
Moose
Moose are big. Huge antlers on the males, who are notoriously aggressive and dangerous during mating season. Carney will surely line up many, many moose—yes, moose is the plural of moose, not mooses—at key parts of the US-Canadian border ready to snort, gore, and stomp on any invaders, except, of course, for illegal immigrants from the Third World who immediately get free stuff. Of course, when it’s not serious tail season, most moose pretty much stand around wondering if they have a really big nose. Sadly, they do.
Hockey Players
I mean, we just saw what happened in the Olympics. Canuck players can sure skate, handle the puck, and cause severe dental injuries, but they can’t close the deal, eh?
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So, during an imaginary American invasion, we could expect the resisting hockey players to hold, trip, go offsides, and high-stick, but that’s about it.
Besides, during the offseason, most of the hockey pros go to South Florida, anyway. If the U.S. sends sufficient dentists with their attacking units, we should be O.K.
Maple Syrup on the Main Roadways
It’s got to be tough enough to drive a car, much less heavy military transports and weaponry, on Canadian roads, what with all the ice, snow, sleet and angry moose constantly working against you. PM Carney and his boys (and girls (and zems)), surely have marked all the main roads into Canada and planned to drop tons of the finest maple syrup you ever tasted on them. After enough transports slide off the highways, U.S. forces would have no choice but to put chains on, costing them valuable time bringing dentists to the front.
Canadian Geese
Canadian geese, as any American softball or touch football player could tell you, are numerous, aggressive, and poop all over the place, especially on athletic fields. Gotta wash your spikes after every game! Knowing how germophobic President Trump is, Carney and his DEI administration have surely considered sending squadrons of trained geese to poop in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, thereby infuriating the Donald but putting a big smile on Jim Acosta’s face.
Canadian Army, Navy, and Air Force
Ha, ha, I jest! The hockey players are much tougher, except in the offseason.
Denying Us Key Imports
The main things Canada imports to the U.S. are energy (oil, gas, and electricity) and cars/trucks. Um, hate to break it to you, hosers, but we’ve got more than enough oil and gas to not only serve America but to sell to other countries. And not only can we make as many vehicles as we need, but L’homme Orange C’est Mal also has a great relationship with Japan and can surely find a way to get more Hondas and Subarus in our showrooms and on our lots.
Sadly for Canada and the despicable N.Y. Times, Mark Carney’s rude threats and fulminations against the U.S. are mere flatus in an Arctic blizzard. His little-man bleating is mere sound and fury, signifying nothing, except, of course, to credulous Times readers. He knows, and we know, that an average-sized U.S. high school military academy could overrun Canada in a weekend and be back for classes on Monday.
Like many before him, Carney will eventually bend to Trump (see Greenland), and give him most of what our president demands.
Me, I’m tickled red, white, and blue thinking of the next photo op of the U.S. and Canadian leaders, their handshake showing how small and weak Carney is next to Trump, and the contrast between Trump’s winning smile and Marky Mark’s rictus grin telling the true story.
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Image created using AI.