As I always say about myself, every day is a good day. Some days are better than others, but I am fortunate in all the ways that count: Family, friends, good enough health, reasonable material comfort, a fulfilling job. I never get tired of counting my blessings.
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But some years…my gosh! Those blessings are mixed. Life’s beginning and life’s end come crashing together, as they have this year. And in the chaos, the one thing I know to be true is that it’s incumbent on us to catch those we love being good and to tell them that we love them.
In May, I welcomed my first grandchild. That, of course, is one of life’s great blessings. In a world in which ever fewer people have faith in the future, these two young people did. They believed that their lives would be enriched with a family. And of course, they’re correct. Recent polls show that the happiest people in America, by a large margin, are married men and women with children.
There’s no doubt that parenting is tough (and getting tougher with each generation), but the rewards are unparalleled. As I always say, I understand that not all people can have or even want children, and I would never judge them, but children do give life purpose, something I needed when I was young.
Of course, a newborn baby wreaks havoc in a young couple’s life. People are often willing to help with the baby, giving the young parents time, but they forget to help with the emotional wringer the parents are experiencing.
It means telling the exhausted mother that she’s doing wonderfully and that you’re so proud of her. Motherhood is exhausting, and she’s handling it with grace—but she doesn’t need to be perfect, and she does need to take care of herself. Food and sleep matter. You must take care of yourself to take care of those dependent on you.
And it means telling the frustrated father that you’re really impressed with how well he’s handling the situation and admire how, despite a full-time job, he’s supporting his wife so well. That requires a lot of generosity of spirit, and you see it in him. This is emotional armor for battered parents.
And really, there’s my life philosophy: Catch people being good. I’m not talking about undeserved trophies for unearned wins. I’m talking about noting all the little things people do every day that go unremarked.
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And if they’re close to you, tell them you love them. Tell that to them whenever you can, and don’t be shy about throwing in a reason: You’re such a good person. You’re thoughtful. You’re kind. You make my life happier. I see you, and I value what I see.
That philosophy applies to the flip side of life, too, when life ends. My sister, who lives far from me, was placed in hospice care yesterday. I’m not going to rush off there, because I won’t arrive in time regardless.
But I also don’t feel the need to rush because of a lesson from my father’s funeral. When invited to do so, people stood up and said all the things they admired about him but never said to him. I decided then that it’s a tragedy to wait until the funeral to say those things.
For years now, whether in person or on the phone, whenever I’ve spoken with my sister, I’ve told her I love her and why. I’ve openly admired her intelligence, kindness, courage in the face of hard times, creativity, and all sorts of other virtues, qualities, and behaviors
I made sure in every way possible that I saw my sister for what she was and loved her because of it. So, I don’t need a mad, cross-country dash to stand by her unconscious body, assuming I even arrive in time, to tell her what I told her every day.
Don’t reach the end of your own life regretting the things you did say. Catch people being good because that makes their world and your world better. Tell your friends why they are your friends—and if you can’t think of anything, maybe you’re hanging with the wrong crowd.
And for those you love, tell it to them often and with specificity. It matters to them and, even if you feel kind of stupid doing it (“I don’t need to say that. She knows I love her.”), do it anyway. The “L” word is not a dirty word.
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