With the release of the diaries of COVID-era majordomo, Dr. Anthony Fauci, here is a fanciful version, satire of course, of what else he might have written:
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Dec. 22, 2019 — I think I saw the Ghost of Christmas Past in my dreams last night. He was holding a puppy. And he kind of looked like Scrooge. Weird. Don’t know what it all meant.
Dec. 23, 2019 — I might’ve been visited by the Ghost of Christmas present in my dreams last night. He was holding a pangolin, LOL! He looked a bit like Xi Jinping. Odd.
Dec. 24, 2019 — Can’t wait for Xmas morning. I bet Santa brings me tidings of great joy! And maybe even fame and fortune! Going to bed early.
Dec. 25, 2019 — I have the weirdest feeling that Santa delivered … even though I only got a couple of charcoal briquettes in my stocking. (I think Santa knows that I am a master of the barbecue grill.) I feel, stronger than ever, that I will soon be very famous. Feels so good. Lord knows I deserve it!
Dec. 31, 2019 — Can’t wait for the new year! I expect great things for me! Also, been talking to ‘China, China, China,’ as Trump might say. Exciting news is on the way! Can’t wait to tell the people!
March 12, 2020 — What I have long planned expected has occurred. Things are getting intense. The WHO and I have declared a pandemic. The NBA has cancelled games. Trump has issued a 30-day ban on travel from European countries to the U.S. This is awesome! I am getting tons of publicity
April 1, 2020 — I, Dr. Fauci, in an attempt to save the world, have no choice but to usurp the duties of POTUS and annex and ascribe all powers to me, myself, and I. JUST KIDDING! APRIL FOOLS! But damn that sounded good … and would probably be the right thing to do. Because I care. So very much. B**ches!
May 22, 2020 — My visage is all over the place! I am, like, super famous! My name is now featured on underwear as the “hottest new trend!” Yay!
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July 24, 2020 — I got to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals’ baseball game last night! How cool is that?! I think I graced nearly every major newspaper and television news outlet. People Magazine had a story about me! I’m in People Magazine!
July 31, 2020 — I am the most credible scientist in the world.
August 10, 2020—Guess what? I might literally be the most famous man in the world!! Not gonna lie, I think that’s real!
Sept. 11, 2020 — So happy to reflect back … on everything that made me so beloved and famous! Sometimes I get choked up thinking about it. This pandemic has been like a coming-out party for me, so to speak. Kinda bat-s**t crazy, when I think about it!
Oct. 19, 2020 — Thinking of dressing up like a Chinaman for Halloween. Or maybe an angel. Maybe I should let the people decide via online voting. Others are dressing up like me! I am hot sh**!
Nov, 24, 2020 — Looking forward to Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for me!
Sept. 20, 2021 — The love keeps coming: The Guardian has proclaimed me the ‘sexiest man alive’! Where were they when I was 30?
Oct. 20, 2021 — Now it’s Fauci tattoos! I am a fashion statement.
Nov. 30, 2021 — Attacks on me are attacks on science. What’s happening? I am the science!
Dec, 24, 2021 — I had a disturbing dream last night. Was visited by someone who claimed he was the Ghost of Christmas Future. He looked a lot like Rand Paul. Don’t know what it all meant.
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Image: Official photo, filtered